A Familiar Feeling

I was watching this korean series online. its old but its cute. as i was watching it i came to notice their feeling they portray on the show. and as i watch it a little more i said to my self "how very expressive!  why cant i have a tantrum when i feel annoyed, why cant i give express the feeling of being sad when i am?". i must be very numb. i kinda like this at times but sometimes you just cant help criticizing one's self. then, i realize that they wouldn't be actors if they cant express those expressions well.

So I therefore conclude: I'm silly for even wondering this kind of shit. being numb is being me, that's how it should be for me and accepting who you are is a way to free your self from your jealousy and insecurities. without those negative things, life would be much better and easier to live with. 

Help.

Please help me because I don't know what to do or think or say. My sister is pregnant. Again. and, Again, to a married man. She is planning to terminate the baby but I don't want her to. I know it is going to be chaotic but I don't care. I don't care what people think and I don't care what they'll do about it. All I know is that that baby is going to be as beautiful as my my nephew. Maybe even more. Not to mention that abortion is a grave sin and I don't want anyone I know to commit, specially my sister. My own flesh and blood. This is why, I think, I'm better of as a robot. No lust, no greed, no longings.

Oh no! I'm not making any sense! but whatever...

As of now, I'm just scared. Not for me but for my father who doesn't know yet, for my mother who is going to tell my father, for my sister whom I cant understand, and for the baby's life. Is there any other way to solve this?

How does it feels to be in love?

How does it feels? Can you tell me? because I can't remember. Does it feels like you can fly like I've seen in the movie? Does it feels like everything in this stupid damn world is beautiful? Of course it does. I mean, ins't that how you know that you're in love? All the love songs and shit. Even Mondays became the best day there is because you haven't seen the guy/girl during the weekends. Then you develop this odd habits like looking at the particular place that guy/girl usually hangs out in.

I was once in love. It was a long time ago. He didn't even like me the way I like him, yet it feels like heaven whenever we are together. I've lost those feelings, they were buried by hate. And now, no matter how much I dig, it is just not deep enough. I wonder why.

I remember saying to my friends that I wouldn't love anymore because I am unfixable. Way too damage, so I throw my self to the credit bin where all the damage goods goes. I let lose of my body, stop doing activities, getting up late, waking up late, refuse to do anything. I know that I'm gonna grow old alone and I'm fine that. Look, who am I kidding. Of course I'm not fine with that, it just that I'm long disqualified from the game. I could work hard to be qualified again but its too much of a hassle.That the problem.

All I wanted is to fall in love again, and get probably get hurt again. That will then be my breaking point. That would be the indicator of how love is never born for me. I can accept that even though I would hate it. But I least I've experienced it once again, right? Nah, its too much to ask. I know that. I just hopeful, nothing's wrong with that.

But guess this is alright. I can flirt whenever I want. I don't have to mind what he wants (thank god for that, its really annoying when you ask him what he wants then he would just answer "what ever you want"). I don'd have to stop my life for him.

I guess this life is good enough. I guess.

Thinking of you

I miss love,
I miss being love by you

I miss touching you
and I miss being touch

I miss kissing you
But I miss it more when you kiss me

I miss your eyes
When you stare at me

I miss you beside me
And I miss you more that you don't miss me

It hurts but I miss you
When you miss someone else

I just miss you...

Rain Come's and Go's

I’m not sure if I’ve already told you about what is happening to these past four weeks.  If I already did then you would like this (if you like nonsense like I do) because this is an update. Hee hee.

About six weeks ago, this co-worker of mine is being an absolute bitch. She snaps at about everything and she doesn’t even do a proper job herself. The next week after that (because I only work during Sunday’s and Monday’s but I only work with her on Monday’s) she was still in this pitch black mood. I already know what’s happening by then.

The Story of the Dark Shift

One day, Monday to be precise, her boyfriend stopped talking to her. She was worried, she already knows that something is wrong but she doesn’t know what it is.

She can’t take the silence any longer so she decided to confront him. Apparently, her boyfriend found out that she slept with someone else while they are still together. (I actually found out that it was her best friend’s ex-boyfriend). Although she was really sorry and admits that she did the most stupid mistake she ever committed. He was furious still and dumped her. Then came another girl, let’s call her “headband” because she always wear a headband, and snatch the guy from my co-worker. She really didn’t just come, she is actually a friend of then both before this happened. Headband was nice to me and we talk during our breaks, random staffs like her shoe and perfume addiction, and she is actually my source of this gossip while it’s supposed to be a secret.

The next week after that she is in even gloomier mood that she had been told off a few times. I’m starting to get bothered by it and I’m already thinking of shaking her until she snap out of it. My other colleagues are too so they giving her advice that everybody goes through that pain and get on with her life. SHE WON’T BUDGE! She told us that she can’t live with anyone but him. They gave up. Me? I haven’t even started yet but maybe I don’t have to anymore.

This is where the fun, simple and new stuff comes out. My co-worker was sick last week so I didn’t have any new info but the week before that she was in a “normal” and is much pleasant to work with. This week all her problems have been solved.

Over the weekend, Headband and the guy broke up. I don’t know the reason but according to my work mate he just realized that he love my work mate more that he like Headband.

Ugh!! I’m not telling the story right. I forgot to mention the how they refer to each other. They address each other as “that whore” or “that bitch”. They told me each the others’ secret. It’s funny how I got stack in the middle of it. But not totally as you’ve already knew, I’m just an audience who doesn’t care who wins or loses. What I care about is how they would rip each other out.

I just found out today that Headband got an abortion. Huh! That’s why she gained so much weight. She told me it was because of her work as a teller that is just standing all day. Bah! Standing my ass!!! 

I'm really not a good story teller. I can make the most romantic scene in a very romantic movie sound like the most boring thing on earth. It's got to be a gift.

Child Abuse and A Drunk Girls' Rant

Okay,.. now... i seriously don't know how to start this but here it goes anyway.

3 mins later.....

fuck, why does words wont come out when you needed them.

whatever, lets start from todays party: it was the 63rd of a friends dad and (of course) we partied. I actually just got back. friends came. we danced, or so i say they danced, we drinks (more like Angie, Mayla and me drunk). and as usual we dont mingle as much and just stayed at the kitchen, away from all the noises and overly high temperature.  

this little man, little man because he is only 12 but he is almost as tall as me (which isnt much) and acts like a man, is kind of keep wanting to get close to me. I'm probably exaggerating but I think the kid has a tiny crush on me. thinking about it makes me laugh. when i sit, he always sit beside me. he always have an excuse to touch my arm my shoulder. he always talks to me. well, i dont know maybe he is just like that because he is more comfortable beside me. A big sister of some sort. why am i making such a big fuss out of this? well, beside the fact that the kid is heartbreakingly good looking (okay.. im exaggerating) , he is just 12 years old. I mean his a baby, a damn good looking baby. and i always say to my self that below your age is considered Child Abuse. Funny. 

I almost forgot about this conversation:

he is holding an inflatable globe in his hands.

me: Find Uganda

him: found it (*points at me), you-ganda...(translation: ganda=pretty)

me: uhhh..... thank you....

how cute is that? heehee...

ps. i seriously dont know if im drunk. i hope not.

Time just goes on without us 2

its been 5 years since we, me and my family, left Philippines. if you compare it to the rest of my life , it hasn't been that long.

before we left we have this 2 mega farewell party and all the people we know came; friends, boy-friend, second-boyfriend, ex-boyfriend. you got the idea. anyway, this guy came up to me all sweet. i already know that he has this crush on me but i ignore that fact. i just wast to enjoy the rest of my days in the Philippines. i guess i have been selfish for not minding others feelings for me that i never even think of my actions towards him. it was the right thing to do theneven now because he is married. but since we became friends on facebook things became really obvious. he comments, a lot, and i was like: "do you really have to comment on every post i post on my wall regardless of how nonsense they are?". what made me do something about it is my cousins comment about us being "sweet". my eyes widened and i finally saw everything, i'm surprise his wife didn't make a scene about it. so i finally took action. I blocked him on all my post. i think its the right thing to do, he has a daughter for god sakes and he even gave her daughter my nickname. my neck name is "taling", he removed the "t" on the beginning and gave it to his daughter which is "aling". i dont mind if we cant be friends anymore as long as he stays with his wife and daughter and continue love them both. i dont want to feed his feelings for me because i know it will do nothing good.

what ever. i just dont want that attention right now.

Time just goes on without us

In the early years of my life I strongly believe that time heals all wounds. But, of course, I was wrong. I realized that when I was on my last year in high school. I fell in love for the first time. My first love, my first real love. He broke my heart in the worst possible way. we only lasted for a month yet it took my haft a decade to get him out of my dreams. Not to mention my daily "what if's". What if he really loved me back, what if we lasted more than what we have, what if he never broke me apart. Until now I'm still bitter. I still doesn't like it when he is happy. he my addiction for years. I could probably say that I stalked him constantly.

Now I realized that healing in not done by time, its done by realizing how to let go of bitterness, anger and other emotion connected to that person. And that realization needs experience and a lot of lesson and maybe a lot of wisdom earned as you go along your life.

The problem with me is that I haven't got the experience, sure I got the wisdom, and I've seen enough that the lesson got through me spot on. But its the experience I lack the most. After my first love, sure, i got hook up with other guys but I was droved by lust, not love. I have three guy after him yet every time I broke up with them I get sick of my self of being with them on the first place. I would always think that its very disgusting of me to be with those men. I know I'm pretty arrogant and like you I really do think I'm very egotistical. I cant deny any of those yet I cant stop. It felt like a disease.

Its the same reason why I could just accept it so easily that I'm going to grow old alone. It doesn't bother me now because I have other priorities but I do feel lonely at time and I really do wish I could be happy with my self someday. But, well, don't hold your breath.

World Ends

As you already know, we are a year and a few months away from world end. To what I have heard it December 21(?) 2012. I heard this theory are from the original bastards, Mayans. I also heard that you can see this in the book of revelation in the Bible. I can't be sure which verse because, even though I was bought up as a Christian, I don't/haven't read the bible as a whole. Anyway, the world is gonna end next year.

But will it really?

I don't think it will but as what you can observe at this very moment, the whole world is not far from distraction. According to my friend, who happen to read the book of revelation (just the book of revelation) Country's will turn against other countries (Check), calamities after calamities (check). There are other symptoms I can't remember but the point is, "isn't it happening already?" Think about it.

Tragedy Hits! Multiple Casualties Confirmed.

Me and the rest of my of my class is sitting in room five,
filling up purchase orders, invoices, credit notes, and receipts
when suddenly, my classmate Dean said "Is it just me? or we are having an earthquake"
that was then I felt it, the entire town shook for just about 30 seconds.
It was weak and I didn't think much of it.
i continued my work and soon forget about what just happened.
about 20 minutes later, a school mate pop his head in our room and informed us
that the earthquake we just felt was on the news.
i ignored his news and kept doing my work but Dean and his girlfriend (who is also in our class) went to watch the news in the other room,
they came back with a dreadful news.
Christchurch, 5 hours drive from here in Westport, was massively hit.
the EQ is weak compared to the 7.5 last September but it is shallower and closer to Christchurch.
the previously weakened buildings collapse bringing along a few hundred people.
houses uninhabitable, road cracks, millions of dollars damage
but that was the least of the peoples concerns
what they are worried now is the number of people still tap in the rubble's of the fallen buildings,
the number of people still missing (which is now reaching 300)
and the number of people with injuries whom they cant treat but don't have enough personnel's and medicine to treat it with.
lots of different countries give their aid and are still on their way
and we are grateful for that .
I may not believe in god but I encourage you and my self to pray for those people who needed it.
pray for the rescuers, the volunteers, and the homeless.
pray for the people who are still stock in the rubble's
and pray for the souls of those people who passed away.
pray for the victims pray for us all.

♣

Here it Goes

my last post I wrote that i will start my own pursuit of happiness.

but as the days go by i always get the opposite.

today mom asked me if Tracy (the woman i carpooled with, also a teacher in my school) is my teacher in any of my papers.

i told her 'no'. and guess what she answered

'thank god, it would be embarrassing when you fail'

if you were in my shoes, how would you react to that?

she's you mother and everything. i admit i failed her once.

but to give me that? she doesn't forgive quite easily.

but still. my mother. my own blood.

never mind, i guess i got that from her. no forgiveness and all.

i just hope she wont ask forgiveness from me pretty soon.

oh! i forgot, she will never ask for forgiveness soon because she don't ask forgiveness. period.

i'm very unfortunate. i hope my next life is a bird so that my parents would just abandon me.

i'd better off that way

♣

Hi

Hi, I'm back. its been almost a years since I last wrote on a blog.

Anyway, i came back from the dead because of my course.

Apparently I need to develop my writing skills more so I can be more effective.

So here I am, up and running. Well, not really running but I'm up.

So now that I'm here and doing this I might as well do it properly.

I'm thinking maybe I should start my own pursuit of happiness or something.

Talk about happiness that had wondered into my life.

So here it goes "Am I happy now?"

The answer now is "NO"

I am not happy, not sad, just fine.

I'm going what I'm doing now because I needed to do this.

It can help me improve as a person or something.

But I'm not happy, just fine.

♣