A Gust of Nope

       For the past couple of months I have found someone I truly care about. He is fantastic, caring, nice and above all, he loves me for everything that I am. We are only a couple of months together but it feels like we are together for years. At first I wasn't very sure if its the right kind of love that I feel but now I'm sure as hell. I am Happy.
      Then came the "But". I haven't been in a relationship for a long time and I never really thought about relationship until lately for reasons only make sense to my self. The first one would be my self. I seem to change quite a bit whenever I'm in a relationship. I have this aweful moods that seem to disgust me. I become needy and jealous and I'm no longer in control of my emotions. I guess its part of being in love but, hell, I turn into an evil bitch.
      The worst part of it is that I always want to create drama. Look, the guy is perfect. He takes care of me. He treats me well. But whenever I am by my self I have my brain plotting some kind of drama to break us up. For example now, I just thought of a plan how to break us up. He is going back to the Philippines for a month and the only we could communicate is through FB and phone calls. I just thought that if I "accidentally" break my phone he wont be calling me while he is there. Plus we are moving to a new place and there wont be internet for a while. That crosses out the FB as well. I could do all those but then I would only hurt the both of us... then why did I even consider it? why am I still considering it? Am I happy? yes, I never felt this happy in a very long time.Then can somebody tell me why?
  This reasons are ridiculous. I love him unlike any other and whenever we are together are total bliss. It makes me laugh how he could love a monster like me. I could totally ruin him. I totally could but it would ruin my self in the process. I have this weird voice in my head saying that I dont need him. Its saying that this love isn't right and it would hurt me one way or another. He could leave me just like that and he would hate me. I am nuts and a lot paranoid but is it just paranoia? I know for a fact that he love me now but that doesn't guarantee tomorrow. That scares me. Its scares me so much I want to inject nitrogen in my heart to freeze it down.
   This is probably the reason why I never stayed in a relationship longer than 3 months. It scares me.
for the record, I am perfectly sober.

Life Plans

To tell you the truth I don't really have any. I never really have a certain path that I follow. I don't know how that came to be but I just don't. I guess thats the reason why I'm adrift. I dont have a destination nor a pull. I just know know what I want and that doesn't necessarily means I'll get there.

Having no path is horrible but at times it's what you need. When everything is out of proportion and you just need to stop, breath and pull it together. I know hiding inside a shell is the cowardly way but not all of us is as strong. Some people just need to get out of that chaos and breath. I know I do. I did and man I've at it for too long that I lost my purpose. I wandered too far from that path. I either have to find it or make another one. The latter seems to be harder but I think its the fresh start that I need and maybe so do you.

So if you are like me; out of shape, out of money; out of proportion, get moving. The clock is ticking.

And if you are really like me then you've already told your self that, a hundred times or more.

I keep telling my self that I just need to get through the holiday that we were suppose to have a year ago and I will get out of this dead end job. If that's you too then you've got to admit that holiday is not gonna happen. That money that you're suppose to be saving isn't gonna make it anyways since you keep nicking from it, a hundred at a time. You might as well admit that this holiday is sitting you back. Save that money. Find a job that you would be less miserable at and make the best out of it. The holiday can wait for a few more years.

 I know its easier said than done but you've got to try. I know I will, starting now. After I post this blog I will update my CV. Find a job and hope to got I get it.

Then, If I get it. I will move out of the house. Get a dog and walk it every day. Do my Christmas  shopping starting April. If I ever have savings after all that I will buy an awesome camera and travel. First, drive around New Zealand. Then to Australia, then to the whole world.

By the time I hit forty, I would be happy of the experience that I had and begin to slow down. Maybe do charitable world. Work my ass off and be happy. I really do hope that. With all my heart, but I don't know how to start. I guess I'll just have to do as what my boss do, "Wing it". So here I go...

Change beginning in 3...2...1...