Rage

Have you ever felt like exploding out of the the blue? well, not explode like a bomb but explode temper. I have this feeling in my chest, its not really painful but not comfortable either. I feel like yelling and snapping out of everything... I'm pretty laid back person, too laid back that I rarely talk about anything to anyone, unless I'm being asked of course. I never have any problem with my temper (except for my sister, doesn't we all?). I am the master of my soul so to speak, but now I feel like trashing everyone. I feel like correcting peoples grammar online. and last but not the least, I feel like bitching about those duck-face on the internet. They are everywhere, they're almost like a plague that infecting every woman's brain. It kinda scary how those people think.  This is a duck-face apocalypse, then it made me think, zombie apocalypse is not that far away. We are all doom!!!
Lets get back to the point. I don't like this rage building inside of me because I know that if I explode I would regret everything I will do. And regret is another thing. This is a fuck up place, maybe its meant to be fucked... who knows?
I'm off topic, well, fuck it.

Greatest Fear

Its already late but that wont stop me from watching another movie. That's was what I am suppose to be doing now, but as I was watching thing movie online I have to let it buffer first. As I was waiting for it I decided browse around in facebook. I saw funny photos and puke-worthy status. But what really inspired me to write this post is the wedding album of my classmate in Xavier University. Is is just about my age, 21, and is a part of a broken family, not that it matters to me. I remember back then how she cries about her mother who cheated and runway with another guy. She cried of her mother coming back then steal from them and runaway again. 

 Although she has all these problems at home it never stop her from smiling. I remember how talented she was, or is, in dancing and drawing. Although she has this bright personality i just can't help being annoyed by her. She has this i-have-more-problem-in-life-so-your-life-is-nothing-compare-to-mine kind of attitude. She barely listen to me and to our other friends that time. I feels like we bore her to death of what ever it is that we have to say. I don't like that at all but since I'm really kind and very very very very kind of a person, I just let it be. We let her be. 

Few years on, I found her wedding album in facebook. She is pregnant (that might be the reason why she got married too young) and she look very happy. In this scenario I envy her of two things. One is seeing her thoroughly happy. I never experienced such happiness yet and I hope in the future I will. And two, her willingness to become a wife and a mother at such young age. This sacrifice is a little too high for me. I'm not willing to give up all my effort to graduate in collage and then not use it. I cannot drop everything, I'm way too selfish. 

Seeing her married and have a child gives me pang of pain deep inside me. I know I should be happy for her yet i couldn't help pitying her because I know that she will slowly stop caring for her self. She will slowly forget everything else and only focus in her immediate family and of whats in front of her. She will forget how to draw, dance and play. She will forget how she use to be. Maybe its worth it, well, that I would never know.

we all know

"Life is short"

that, we all know. but when i listened to Taylor Swift's Safe and Sound which reminded me of the hunger game trilogy i felt like i've been wasting my life all this time. i felt like i haven't accomplish anything in my 21 years of life. i feel unworthy of the life that i was given.

yes i got a job but its not a career. worthless
yes i got qualifications but i haven't use any of them. worthless

i know that the problem lies within me. i know that more than anyone. although i blame other things for my mistakes and laziness i still know it enough to think about it. but the thing is thinking is not enough to move me away from this god forsaken place that i am in.

i remember in the book that katniss strive to support her family on her own. if i was in her shoes i would have been one of those girls that line up to that capitol officer door to be fucked for money. not because i'm that kind of a person but because i suck at making traps and my aim is 5x worse. i can grow plants but i probably be growing poison berries instead of of raspberries because of my lack of knowledge on that field. i would probably the first one to die in the game if i were in it.

although i am a bit ruthless and violent i would still hesitate to kill. well, not really if im killing fox face, or the bitch from district one or the guy who killed rue. but still, they have lives just like i did, a family who is waiting for me to come back, dreams that want to reach.

as for now all i wish is that the world wouldn't have to reach that state where equality is dominating. so if the mayans are wrong, lets stay together. be fair, be loving, be caring. even if you dont believe in god, he still loves us.

but seriously, kill me before they kill freedom.