Wow! It's been a while. I must have been too busy with life that I forgot about blogging. I still write, sometimes. Mostly I read these days since I can't seem to spare a second to..... Ok lets be real. The only reason why I am writing right now is because I want to bitch about this annoying guy who can't take a hint that I don't want to talk to him. I mean he called a lot, he is calling right now. I may seem ungrateful for ditching his ass but you have to understand, he wants to talk to me every second of the day. I'm not exactly an antisocial, I'm somewhere in the middle. I don't know, his attention is choking me. Now look what I've done! I'm not making any sense.

For this to make sense, I will have to start from the very beginning.

It all started last January 2, 2015.

I was alone in my house, minding my own business in the internet. I watch youtube, read manga and then browsing status of my friends in facebook. Then suddenly I got a friend request, when I saw that our mutual friend is my dear friend Mila, I accepted. He message me and I message him back and then we became friends. Or as "friends" as we could get through the internet. He calls, chat, message me. He even video call me during work. Boring but I tolerated it. He whined about this girl who was his "Friends with benefits" with and how she abandoned him altogether. The girl just basically dropped him just like that.

I got to know him and all. He even came for a visit.  He stayed at my place. Nothing happened between me and him since I never liked him that way.

For the next event that happened, for it to make sense I have to tell you a secret. There is only 3 people knows about this, or probably more, but not more that 20. The person that he was bitching about, his "friends with benefit" who dropped him like a whores underwear is my dear friend Mila.

It still doesn't make sense?

Well, Mila went into hiding from his ex last christmas. We have no idea where she went, she wouldn't answer our calls, not text, to nothing. What I told her family was that she was planning to go away to nelson. But no, she went to this guy and slept with him for a couple of weeks and then when she got home she just let him go.

So yeah, the guy befriended me. When he finally told me the whole story I went into shock how deceitful Mila was and how awefull she was with him.  So I adviced him just forget about her since he wont get anything from hoping when she doesn't him at all. I mean, she told me that this guy is so girly. He dressed in over...FUCK!!! STOP CALLING!!!... over size t-shirts (saw it in the pictures). I mean, he has huge subwoffers in his car and he plays Taylor Swift's song. I don't know how you translate BADOY in English. The closest I can get is he has lousy taste in everything.

So right, last week Mila came over to have movie marathon with me. We were talking when Mila came in so he heard her voice and I told him I'll talk to him later and hang up. He called me in my phone, Viber, Tango and left so many messages. He was angry at me for picking his calls. Mila hates it when he calls she would just leave the room and I was beginning to get pissed off on how he acted. I turned off the wifi in my laptop and put my phone away where would just ring and not bother anyone. By the end of the night I told my self that he is being a child and he does not have the right to demand anything from me. He know I have a guest, he was being an ass by calling every fucking minute.

So I made up my mind that I dont have to choose between Mila and him. He is completely errelivant in my life and if he is always going to be like that I'd much rather not have him at all. And I value peace. No noise, no human to entertain  and no annoying person to please.

I haven't answered his calls until not but i chat with a couple times. that is all. No proof reading on this one. bye~  

A Gust of Nope

       For the past couple of months I have found someone I truly care about. He is fantastic, caring, nice and above all, he loves me for everything that I am. We are only a couple of months together but it feels like we are together for years. At first I wasn't very sure if its the right kind of love that I feel but now I'm sure as hell. I am Happy.
      Then came the "But". I haven't been in a relationship for a long time and I never really thought about relationship until lately for reasons only make sense to my self. The first one would be my self. I seem to change quite a bit whenever I'm in a relationship. I have this aweful moods that seem to disgust me. I become needy and jealous and I'm no longer in control of my emotions. I guess its part of being in love but, hell, I turn into an evil bitch.
      The worst part of it is that I always want to create drama. Look, the guy is perfect. He takes care of me. He treats me well. But whenever I am by my self I have my brain plotting some kind of drama to break us up. For example now, I just thought of a plan how to break us up. He is going back to the Philippines for a month and the only we could communicate is through FB and phone calls. I just thought that if I "accidentally" break my phone he wont be calling me while he is there. Plus we are moving to a new place and there wont be internet for a while. That crosses out the FB as well. I could do all those but then I would only hurt the both of us... then why did I even consider it? why am I still considering it? Am I happy? yes, I never felt this happy in a very long time.Then can somebody tell me why?
  This reasons are ridiculous. I love him unlike any other and whenever we are together are total bliss. It makes me laugh how he could love a monster like me. I could totally ruin him. I totally could but it would ruin my self in the process. I have this weird voice in my head saying that I dont need him. Its saying that this love isn't right and it would hurt me one way or another. He could leave me just like that and he would hate me. I am nuts and a lot paranoid but is it just paranoia? I know for a fact that he love me now but that doesn't guarantee tomorrow. That scares me. Its scares me so much I want to inject nitrogen in my heart to freeze it down.
   This is probably the reason why I never stayed in a relationship longer than 3 months. It scares me.
for the record, I am perfectly sober.

Life Plans

To tell you the truth I don't really have any. I never really have a certain path that I follow. I don't know how that came to be but I just don't. I guess thats the reason why I'm adrift. I dont have a destination nor a pull. I just know know what I want and that doesn't necessarily means I'll get there.

Having no path is horrible but at times it's what you need. When everything is out of proportion and you just need to stop, breath and pull it together. I know hiding inside a shell is the cowardly way but not all of us is as strong. Some people just need to get out of that chaos and breath. I know I do. I did and man I've at it for too long that I lost my purpose. I wandered too far from that path. I either have to find it or make another one. The latter seems to be harder but I think its the fresh start that I need and maybe so do you.

So if you are like me; out of shape, out of money; out of proportion, get moving. The clock is ticking.

And if you are really like me then you've already told your self that, a hundred times or more.

I keep telling my self that I just need to get through the holiday that we were suppose to have a year ago and I will get out of this dead end job. If that's you too then you've got to admit that holiday is not gonna happen. That money that you're suppose to be saving isn't gonna make it anyways since you keep nicking from it, a hundred at a time. You might as well admit that this holiday is sitting you back. Save that money. Find a job that you would be less miserable at and make the best out of it. The holiday can wait for a few more years.

 I know its easier said than done but you've got to try. I know I will, starting now. After I post this blog I will update my CV. Find a job and hope to got I get it.

Then, If I get it. I will move out of the house. Get a dog and walk it every day. Do my Christmas  shopping starting April. If I ever have savings after all that I will buy an awesome camera and travel. First, drive around New Zealand. Then to Australia, then to the whole world.

By the time I hit forty, I would be happy of the experience that I had and begin to slow down. Maybe do charitable world. Work my ass off and be happy. I really do hope that. With all my heart, but I don't know how to start. I guess I'll just have to do as what my boss do, "Wing it". So here I go...

Change beginning in 3...2...1...

I'm A Game Addict

Not the CoD, GTA, or any other hard core gaming people though. I'm not a total game nerd. I'm like a game drifter. Wait, that should be a thing. LOL. If you know me good, you would know that I have been to so many games that I can't remember all of them. Well, maybe if I try hard enough I could remember all of them.

Growing up in the most unfortunate country when it comes to technology made me the way I am. The first time I actually first held a computer wan when I was in my first year of high school. Its a very long story as to how we manage to acquire one. It involve my aunty getting scammed by my uncle (Siblings) and forcibly took that PC from his house and my dad buying it instead.

I was 13 years old and that was year 2003? can't remember the actual date but I was stoke since we are the first one to have a private PC in the whole town. Yes people, this is year 2003. I'm not kidding.
At first I was all excited but what do I know really. I was excited for no good reason other than to show off to my friends that we have a computer. I don't even know what computers do at that time.

That was the case until my brother (3rd oldest, I'm 4th and we are six) installed one game after another. There are 5 that I can remember. First was Call of Duty (idk which one), GTA III: Vice City, Sims II + Vacation expansion pack, Counter Strike, and Rouge Sphere.

Not bad selection, eh? I actually finishes that CoD. I was very proud of my self from doing that. Well, of course I omitted the fact that I died at least a thousand times. The GTA was a different story. I never finished it since I just play it to wreck havoc and kill hookers. My brother also have theses cheats posted on the wall. I remember the day when I was trying some cheats on the wall. It was the best cheat combination I ever did. The first one was a cheat "helloladies". I remember this cheat since I used this a lot to attract hookers to kill. If you don't know what this cheat does then its a cheat that magnets girls. So you are basically a walking harem when you use this. Second, I cant remember what it was but its a cheat so that everybody is armed. The third cheat is for my own safety, I cant remember but I think it was "thuglife" or something. This cheat just gives you all sort of ammo with unlimited bullets. And last but not the least "everybodyhatesme". I will give you a minute to process...


Its pretty much chaos.

 If you don't get it since you don't play GTA or you are so honest and would never cheat or just plain lost since I did not explain the last cheat, well, please bang your head on the wall. If it still doesn't work then fine, I'll explain. The fourth cheat is a magnet to people to kill you. It was my best discovery. It feels like I was in a movie or something. Me against the World.

I didn't played RS since that game blows. I remember my brothers playing it until morning because they wanted to finish the game in one go because you cant bloody save you progress. There is also a ton of bugs and its slow as a slug.

I suck at counter strike and I flourish in Sims. I also just remember that we have a 6th game in that computer. It was Diablo II. I was great at it. I think that was the start of my fixation with RPG's. 

As you already notice, my writing is getting shittier by the minute. And also, this post is already long enough that most of you didn't bother reading the entire thing so I will stop here.

Next time would be my adventure in game hopping. Wait, this really should be a thing. Anyway, that's it for now. Ciao!

Calming Down

I, for some reason, took a week off from work. Thinking that it would be good for me before crazy comes. For normal people it is called Christmas season. So I did. Its cool. I didn't go away because I didn't think it through and I just want to do things that wouldn't cost me any money, in my case, staying at home.

For normal people, specially social and hardworking one's, it would be boring. For me its a bliss. You see, I work in a supermarket and things go crazy specially in the Deli. Its so draining not because of the work but because of the emotional stress it gives you. I barely have time to talk to me family let alone socialize.

So to make up for the boredom I started watching The Walking Dead. I'm at the last episode of season two but before that I have to calm down. I'm not writing this because I have an opinion to share or that I want to discuss the series. No, I'm not even gonna talk about being in love with Daryl or his hotness. I'm just writing this to keep my head leveled and my heart calm. And I bought a shuffle. Nothing fancy. I got a free engraving so I put "Certavi et vici". It means "I have fought and conquered". I don't know why. I'm gonna watch the last episode now that I'm calm.

A letter to my dear cousin who unfriended me in facebook.

Dear Kathleen,

    I don't really know how to start. I have so many question and I'm sure you don't have any for me since you just suddenly unfriend me. I know its just Facebook but if you look into it, its the best way to communicate with you and everyone else in the Philippines.

    When we are little, you and me are almost twins. We always play together even though our families are always fighting each other. I treasure our friendship more than I should. I ignore your parents insult to my parents and vise versa so I don't have to fight with you too. Jay use to say that she views our friendship like a stone, despite the constant clash we still manage to hold on to whats important. Now I just think Jay saw it in a different way than what it really was. She probably saw me hugging you, not seeing you pushing me.

    All these years I think of you and I swear to my self I will bring you here in New Zealand. I even told Jay that when I have a stable job you will be my first target. To pull you out of there and give you a better living over here. But no, I don't think that's happening anymore. What will I have evaporated when you choose to be judgmental like your jealous mother.

    I always believed that you are different. I hoped anyway. I hope that you can be open minded when your mother spread false rumors about my family and when your father ordered your brothers to destroy our fence. Still, I cling to my faith in you. When your mother verbally abused my aunt who is living now in our house your eyes are clouded by jealousy, just like the rest of your family, and didn't see the reality.

     It was never my intention to make you choose between my family and yours but I just hoped that maybe you don't have to take sides. But what really hurts me the most is that you forgot that I haven't done anything to hurt you. I've done my best to smile and be friendly to your family no matter what they say behind my back just so I can spend time with you. You forgot that I love you and I miss your company dearly. You forgot that all this time I still defend you from the family. But you abandoned me. You left me to fall.

    In time I hope that you will realize. I hope that when that time comes its not yet too late.



Love you always,
Me

A Way Out

A few days ago a friend of mine, who I haven't spoken to for a month or so, gave me a call. It was weird because even since she and my brother broke up we hardly ever spoken. I was mostly busy in my job and she was doing her own thing.

I was shock because in those 6 weeks that we haven't spoke she went to Auckland without even telling me. I though "Is this it? Is this the end of our friendship?". For a while it hurts to even think about it so, like every one of my problems, I forget about it. Not by drinking, no sir, instead I surf the internet.

What is even more shocking is the reason for her call. You see, I got stock on that dead end job of mine for almost 3 years now and even before I already keep telling my friends how I hated the job and that if there is anything else better in this small town I would gladly take it. So, when she asked me if I want a new job would I take it. My heart went into an over drive almost immediately. It was like an automatic hammer was set loose in my rib cage and firing nails all over the place.

She didn't tell what it was at first because she wants to know if I was welling. Was I welling? If  wasn't inside the supermarket that time I would have jumped all over the apples and oranges. Turns out she went to Auckland not for a holiday but for a training. I was stoke for her since she also have the drowning feeling whenever she thinks about her future, but now she is so happy and optimistic. It was crazy. She is not the brave kind of woman, so was I, but she is a different kind of chicken. She once broke up with her boyfriend because her bf leaves in another city. What was that? Did you say "That's not so hard, why don't she move in with him?" Well, that's where the chicken comes out. She broke up with him because she doesn't want to live in a place where she knows no one. But now, she is traveling from one city to another.

And that's the job that she is offering me. Well, she's not really offering it to me. She just gave my name to her boss so he could call me and arrange an interview. But since then, my heart haven't stopped from hammering. And now, when I think about my future I no longer see the same thing I did today. Instead, I see a me who is a professional and working my ass off but still having a good time. Earns a lot, spends little, can finally afford a house, new car, and wearing clean black suit with blood red top and proud parents to call me from time to time.

So finally, if they ever call me, I would be on top of the world. This is like opportunity slapping me in the face and, with all my might, I would grab it by the nose and bring it home with me because, baby, I would fuck opportunity.