Time just goes on without us

In the early years of my life I strongly believe that time heals all wounds. But, of course, I was wrong. I realized that when I was on my last year in high school. I fell in love for the first time. My first love, my first real love. He broke my heart in the worst possible way. we only lasted for a month yet it took my haft a decade to get him out of my dreams. Not to mention my daily "what if's". What if he really loved me back, what if we lasted more than what we have, what if he never broke me apart. Until now I'm still bitter. I still doesn't like it when he is happy. he my addiction for years. I could probably say that I stalked him constantly.

Now I realized that healing in not done by time, its done by realizing how to let go of bitterness, anger and other emotion connected to that person. And that realization needs experience and a lot of lesson and maybe a lot of wisdom earned as you go along your life.

The problem with me is that I haven't got the experience, sure I got the wisdom, and I've seen enough that the lesson got through me spot on. But its the experience I lack the most. After my first love, sure, i got hook up with other guys but I was droved by lust, not love. I have three guy after him yet every time I broke up with them I get sick of my self of being with them on the first place. I would always think that its very disgusting of me to be with those men. I know I'm pretty arrogant and like you I really do think I'm very egotistical. I cant deny any of those yet I cant stop. It felt like a disease.

Its the same reason why I could just accept it so easily that I'm going to grow old alone. It doesn't bother me now because I have other priorities but I do feel lonely at time and I really do wish I could be happy with my self someday. But, well, don't hold your breath.