My Biggest Regret

About a year ago i started to watch a tv series. I will not say names but I can tell you a few clues: 1) its about vampires and all other fantasy creatures 2) have lots of sex in it and 3) its based on a book. If you still dont get it I would have to ask you how you get WiFi under a rock. Lets proceed.

I borrowed a book, or two or three, from the Library, for thirty days, because I got curious how the books defer from the series. Would it still have that much nudity? did the things happened in the series really happened in the book? well, I didnt find out. I went home, start to read and in that moment I realize I cant read the books if I actually saw the movie or the series first. Which is nuts! me reading the book before watching the movie/series first is not a problem, but the other way around? not going to happen. So I started to read the first chapter and I put it down. I can no longer feel the thrill of reading because the series ruined it for me.

It was about a week after that that I have to leave for a week because I'm going to my friend in the city for a holiday. it was nice and awesome and exciting not to be bound by the small area of a small town in which I was living. So I forgot about the books. When I get back I did not return them hoping that I would summon the enthusiasm to read it, I didnt. Instead, I just let it gather dust under my small, soft, single bed and the month have passed on.

And then another.

In the library's policy, one day late is 20 cents. I had three so that would be 60 cents a day. multiply it for, atleast, 40 days. Now do the math since I didnt, afraid of what the outcome would be. Well, ok, I would do it. OMG! 24 dollars? I knew I shouldn't have done it. its all your fault! You made me do it!!! 

haha... I have gone nuts for a second. anyway, now i know how much I owe the library. Now I know that I can buy two books of my choosing in the internet. Well, I guess the question is "Should I be an honorable person and pay the fine?"

I am a good person, but I am human too. I have flaws. With that in thought, I try as much as possible to do good. I still do so my answer is Hell No! 

Why? I... I just forgot what I was gonna write, tsk, it was awesome too. Well, ok. call me anything you like, you are just a random person over the other side of the world and maybe before you can read this, years have already passed and I finally won the Lotto and paid (and bought) the Library! 

Either way, I will pay the Library. Eventually, but not today, or tomorrow. Probably when I'm too desperate. Not gonna happen anytime soon. Sigh. I hope that you will learn from my silly experience. And I hope, without me telling you, that you would understand how I felt and why I regretted it the most. If you did, you must be like me. And then I am glad, you just got a peek inside the silly heart of a silly writer.

Rage

Have you ever felt like exploding out of the the blue? well, not explode like a bomb but explode temper. I have this feeling in my chest, its not really painful but not comfortable either. I feel like yelling and snapping out of everything... I'm pretty laid back person, too laid back that I rarely talk about anything to anyone, unless I'm being asked of course. I never have any problem with my temper (except for my sister, doesn't we all?). I am the master of my soul so to speak, but now I feel like trashing everyone. I feel like correcting peoples grammar online. and last but not the least, I feel like bitching about those duck-face on the internet. They are everywhere, they're almost like a plague that infecting every woman's brain. It kinda scary how those people think.  This is a duck-face apocalypse, then it made me think, zombie apocalypse is not that far away. We are all doom!!!
Lets get back to the point. I don't like this rage building inside of me because I know that if I explode I would regret everything I will do. And regret is another thing. This is a fuck up place, maybe its meant to be fucked... who knows?
I'm off topic, well, fuck it.

Greatest Fear

Its already late but that wont stop me from watching another movie. That's was what I am suppose to be doing now, but as I was watching thing movie online I have to let it buffer first. As I was waiting for it I decided browse around in facebook. I saw funny photos and puke-worthy status. But what really inspired me to write this post is the wedding album of my classmate in Xavier University. Is is just about my age, 21, and is a part of a broken family, not that it matters to me. I remember back then how she cries about her mother who cheated and runway with another guy. She cried of her mother coming back then steal from them and runaway again. 

 Although she has all these problems at home it never stop her from smiling. I remember how talented she was, or is, in dancing and drawing. Although she has this bright personality i just can't help being annoyed by her. She has this i-have-more-problem-in-life-so-your-life-is-nothing-compare-to-mine kind of attitude. She barely listen to me and to our other friends that time. I feels like we bore her to death of what ever it is that we have to say. I don't like that at all but since I'm really kind and very very very very kind of a person, I just let it be. We let her be. 

Few years on, I found her wedding album in facebook. She is pregnant (that might be the reason why she got married too young) and she look very happy. In this scenario I envy her of two things. One is seeing her thoroughly happy. I never experienced such happiness yet and I hope in the future I will. And two, her willingness to become a wife and a mother at such young age. This sacrifice is a little too high for me. I'm not willing to give up all my effort to graduate in collage and then not use it. I cannot drop everything, I'm way too selfish. 

Seeing her married and have a child gives me pang of pain deep inside me. I know I should be happy for her yet i couldn't help pitying her because I know that she will slowly stop caring for her self. She will slowly forget everything else and only focus in her immediate family and of whats in front of her. She will forget how to draw, dance and play. She will forget how she use to be. Maybe its worth it, well, that I would never know.

we all know

"Life is short"

that, we all know. but when i listened to Taylor Swift's Safe and Sound which reminded me of the hunger game trilogy i felt like i've been wasting my life all this time. i felt like i haven't accomplish anything in my 21 years of life. i feel unworthy of the life that i was given.

yes i got a job but its not a career. worthless
yes i got qualifications but i haven't use any of them. worthless

i know that the problem lies within me. i know that more than anyone. although i blame other things for my mistakes and laziness i still know it enough to think about it. but the thing is thinking is not enough to move me away from this god forsaken place that i am in.

i remember in the book that katniss strive to support her family on her own. if i was in her shoes i would have been one of those girls that line up to that capitol officer door to be fucked for money. not because i'm that kind of a person but because i suck at making traps and my aim is 5x worse. i can grow plants but i probably be growing poison berries instead of of raspberries because of my lack of knowledge on that field. i would probably the first one to die in the game if i were in it.

although i am a bit ruthless and violent i would still hesitate to kill. well, not really if im killing fox face, or the bitch from district one or the guy who killed rue. but still, they have lives just like i did, a family who is waiting for me to come back, dreams that want to reach.

as for now all i wish is that the world wouldn't have to reach that state where equality is dominating. so if the mayans are wrong, lets stay together. be fair, be loving, be caring. even if you dont believe in god, he still loves us.

but seriously, kill me before they kill freedom.

A Familiar Feeling

I was watching this korean series online. its old but its cute. as i was watching it i came to notice their feeling they portray on the show. and as i watch it a little more i said to my self "how very expressive!  why cant i have a tantrum when i feel annoyed, why cant i give express the feeling of being sad when i am?". i must be very numb. i kinda like this at times but sometimes you just cant help criticizing one's self. then, i realize that they wouldn't be actors if they cant express those expressions well.

So I therefore conclude: I'm silly for even wondering this kind of shit. being numb is being me, that's how it should be for me and accepting who you are is a way to free your self from your jealousy and insecurities. without those negative things, life would be much better and easier to live with. 

Help.

Please help me because I don't know what to do or think or say. My sister is pregnant. Again. and, Again, to a married man. She is planning to terminate the baby but I don't want her to. I know it is going to be chaotic but I don't care. I don't care what people think and I don't care what they'll do about it. All I know is that that baby is going to be as beautiful as my my nephew. Maybe even more. Not to mention that abortion is a grave sin and I don't want anyone I know to commit, specially my sister. My own flesh and blood. This is why, I think, I'm better of as a robot. No lust, no greed, no longings.

Oh no! I'm not making any sense! but whatever...

As of now, I'm just scared. Not for me but for my father who doesn't know yet, for my mother who is going to tell my father, for my sister whom I cant understand, and for the baby's life. Is there any other way to solve this?

How does it feels to be in love?

How does it feels? Can you tell me? because I can't remember. Does it feels like you can fly like I've seen in the movie? Does it feels like everything in this stupid damn world is beautiful? Of course it does. I mean, ins't that how you know that you're in love? All the love songs and shit. Even Mondays became the best day there is because you haven't seen the guy/girl during the weekends. Then you develop this odd habits like looking at the particular place that guy/girl usually hangs out in.

I was once in love. It was a long time ago. He didn't even like me the way I like him, yet it feels like heaven whenever we are together. I've lost those feelings, they were buried by hate. And now, no matter how much I dig, it is just not deep enough. I wonder why.

I remember saying to my friends that I wouldn't love anymore because I am unfixable. Way too damage, so I throw my self to the credit bin where all the damage goods goes. I let lose of my body, stop doing activities, getting up late, waking up late, refuse to do anything. I know that I'm gonna grow old alone and I'm fine that. Look, who am I kidding. Of course I'm not fine with that, it just that I'm long disqualified from the game. I could work hard to be qualified again but its too much of a hassle.That the problem.

All I wanted is to fall in love again, and get probably get hurt again. That will then be my breaking point. That would be the indicator of how love is never born for me. I can accept that even though I would hate it. But I least I've experienced it once again, right? Nah, its too much to ask. I know that. I just hopeful, nothing's wrong with that.

But guess this is alright. I can flirt whenever I want. I don't have to mind what he wants (thank god for that, its really annoying when you ask him what he wants then he would just answer "what ever you want"). I don'd have to stop my life for him.

I guess this life is good enough. I guess.